Most of the religious (and political) conflict in the world today involves three religious systems, Christianity, Judaism, and Islam. There is even conflict within these three systems involving different sects, for example Protestants vs. Catholics in Ireland or Shiites vs. Sunnis in the Middle East. These religions all trace their lineage to the prophet, Abraham, and as mechanics, engineers, and Mythbuster Adam Savage are wont to say, “There’s yer problem!”

I learned the story of Abraham when I was a child, and to this day I can’t imagine how he could be regarded as anything but a villain, let alone as a pillar of a major religion. His willingness to do away with his son for any reason is abhorrent. Whether his motive was cowardice (fearing God’s retribution) or avarice (hoping to receive favorable treatment from God), it doesn’t excuse his intention to kill his son. He clearly put his self above his relationship to his son.

The troubling thing about the story is not that one man showed such weakness but that there is belief in a supernatural being that deserves such action. I think of this as the Abrahamic fantasy (or fallacy, or misconception, or illusion, or delusion, or Abrahamism). The lesson I got out of the story of Abraham is that there are people who think that anything can be justified if done in the name of this being. Who knows when a person who subscribes to this belief might think it necessary or desirable to kill a child, burn a witch, or fly an airplane into a building?

Of course many good things are done in the interest of gaining favor with God. One person who comes to mind is Mother Teresa, who cared for poor people in India as part of her mission. She could have done more to fix the problem if she had been motivated by compassion, rather than the promise of a heavenly reward. I would regard her as a true saint if she had gone against Vatican orthodoxy and helped to teach the starving Indians about birth control and family planning instead of just caring for their abandoned children.

My family and I traveled to India in 1997 as part of a tour for adoptive families to visit their adopted children’s birthplaces. While we were in Calcutta, we visited the orphanage that Mother Teresa started. This was about three months after she died. The chapel in the basement was full of nuns praying for her soul, trying to insure that she would soon be granted sainthood. It was a really peaceful scene in contrast to the nursery upstairs where some overworked nursemaids were playing loud music in an attempt to drown out the sound of the screaming babies who were in desperate need of attention. Clearly for these nuns, Mother Teresa’s sainthood was deemed more important than the needs of the children.

So in order for the human race to evolve beyond its present childish state, people have to give up on the idea of pleasing a supreme being to be rewarded or avoid punishment. We have to develop our sense of compassion and love for one another, and motivate ourselves to act out of those feelings.

Now that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert have shown that sometimes “fake” news can be more credible than “real” news, it is time to show that a fake religion might work as well as some of the “real” religions in operation today.

The Church of Universal Soul is just such a religion. It does not claim to be a “true” faith. It is based on a hypothetical idea that, just as matter and energy can be interchangeable, energy and “spirit’ or “soul” can be interchangeable. Because of this, the entire universe can be said to be made up of spirit, either in the form of true spirit, energy (made of spirit), or matter (made up of energy). This is not a matter of belief, it is just a hypothesis that I made up, and doesn’t necessarily describe reality.

Since I have no experience to confirm this hypothesis, I feel that it is enough to act as if this were the case. If we imagine that we are all one, we will act in an appropriate manner, which is to say we will treat others as we would like to be treated. If we live this way, that experience might come to us eventually.

This hypothesis was created only to give the church a basis for existing, not because it is thought to be a true possibility. (Although there is no evidence that I know of that it is not true.) Since many fundamentalists are trying to say that secular humanism is a religion (when opposing the teaching of evolution, for example), I thought it best not to base a church on secular humanism, because they would claim that it proves their assertion. With this hypothesis, we can define our religion as secular spiritualism.

The main reason for the existence of the church is purely defensive. If we get enough members, we can work against the theocratization of our government. Since it is not a real religion, I can feel free to criticize other religions. If I claimed to be representing a true faith, I would have to give other religions the benefit of the doubt. My criticism will generally be in regards to the religions that trace themselves to the prophet Abraham, since they seem to be the source of most of the religious strife in the world today.

Just because it is fake doesn’t mean a religion is not useful. Musicians sometimes use a “fake book” to help them play along with songs that they don’t know. Instead of learning all the notes and phrases of a song, they can follow a simple chart of a tune and chord progression to improvise a part that fits in the song.

Think of this religion as a fake book for life. You can use it to find some general guidelines for living that will allow you to improvise a life in harmony with the world. This can be as easy or difficult as you choose to make it. A lot of songs can be played using only three simple chords, and there are just a few simple ideas necessary for harmonious living. These ideas are common to most religious faiths, and all of them promote feelings of love and compassion.

The “golden rule” is one of these. It is the idea that people should treat each other as they would like to be treated. If everyone lived according to this rule, there would be much less strife in the world. This is the definition of compassionate behavior.

During the last election, there was a movement of preachers, some of whom claimed to be receive instructions directly from “God”. These preachers endorsed political candidates from the pulpit to defy the IRS ban on non-profits making partisan political statements. There seem to be a number of people who desire to forget about separation of church and state, and transform the country into a theocracy.

One reason I can think that they might have for this is to get the military might of the US behind them to get rid of some of the other theocratic states in the world. Since we seem to be on the brink of a perpetual “holy war”, it seems that what the world needs now is a good prophet. Unfortunately, it will have to get by with me, since no one else seems willing to step up to the plate. So I am coming out today as a prophet. I hope what I have to say will help.

When I heard about God speaking to those other people, I started imagining what It really would have to say if It would speak out today. Here is what I made up:

A few years back, a spirit came and spoke to me. Maybe I should say “The Spirit”, or simply “Spirit”. And when I say “spoke” I am speaking metaphorically, because it exists beyond the limitations of language, and doesn’t need to speak to get its message across. But since we are still limited to the use of language for communication, I will report this as if it were a conversation.

Now I could use a name for this spirit, so everyone would know immediately who (or what) I am talking about, but that was one of the things It mentioned. It said, “Since I exist in a realm beyond the limitations of language, I don’t need a name, so I don’t have a name. But since you still require language to communicate, I don’t have problems with you giving me a nickname so you can talk about me. The problem is that you tend to get attached to the name you give me, and this causes problems dealing with those who have chosen another name for me.

“But you should be careful when choosing a nickname. For example, the name ‘God’, even though it is fairly generic (and this brings to mind the generic labeling fad of the 70’s – drinking BEER beer, eating FOOD food, worshiping GOD god) , is derived from the word for a male deity, so it gives the impression that I am a male. This might be why some religions suffer so much from a misogynistic attitude.”

Then it said “I swear to God, I’m going to smite the next one who calls me ‘God’.” (It’s exact words, which shows that It does have a sense of humor.)

So I said, “How should we refer to you, then? Should we just call you “The Creator”?

It said, “That’s not an accurate description. The only reason you think the world needs a creator is that you think that there was a time when nothing existed, and that’s not the case. Nothing doesn’t exist. It never has and it never will. There is no such thing as nothing. Nothing is impossible. It would be more accurate to refer to me as the soul or spirit of the universe.”

So I said, “Oh yeah, the Holy Spirit.”

And It said, “’Holiness’ has very little to do with it. To be whole, you have to include the profane along with the sacred. At the level of the spirit, we are all connected. Every spirit is included in the whole. Holiness has lost most of its meaning, anyway. People can talk about being ‘holier than thou’ and the ‘holy Roman empire’, or think of fighting ‘holy wars’. You can refer to me as ‘the spirit’ or maybe just ‘Spirit’” unless you can come up with a gender neutral nickname.

“But that’s not why I came to talk you. I want you to do something for me.”

And I thought “Oh no. I don’t want to build an ark. I hope It’s not an ark”

And since it knew what I was thinking, it said, “No this doesn’t involve any carpentry at all.”

Then it said, “Ever since ‘Spinal Tap’ came out I’ve been thinking that sometimes 10 really isn’t enough, so I’ve decided that what the world needs is an 11^th commandment. I would like you to get the word out and spread the news to everyone in all lands, telling them of the new rule. And the 11^th commandment is: ‘Thou shalt not proselytize!’”

It said, “There’s another reason that the number 11 is special. In binary notation, 11 is actually number 3, which is an important number.” For example you can make a good song with three chords. Then there is the rule of three in comedy, where things seem funnier if they come in groups of threes. It is also suggestive of the trinity.

And I said, “Oh yeah, the holy trinity.”

And It said, “There’s that word again. I’m not referring to the ‘holy trinity’, which has not just one, but two males involved. I’m speaking of the real trinity: matter, energy, and spirit. Now that the world has come to find out that matter is really made up of energy, you might be able to fathom the idea that energy is made up of spirit. Someone might even be able to come up with an equation to link the two. The best way to honor me would be to help turn energy into spirit, and one of the best ways to do that is with music.” After all, the one thing common to most religions is music and fellowship. The two things common to most religions are music and fellowship and surprise. No, surprise is one of the weapons of the Spanish inquisition. Among the things that are common to most religions are music, fellowship, and what was that other thing?

And after wishing me well, before leaving, it said, “There’s a few more things I wanted you to pass along to the human race. And those are, ‘Grow the F@#* up! Stop fighting amongst yourselves! Clean up your planet! Take care of one another! Take responsibility for your actions!’”

“Oh, and the twelfth commandment: “Enjoy.”

At first I thought that “spreading the word” would be an easy gig. All I would have to do would be to not proselytize, and people would notice and get the message. Sadly, that doesn’t seem to be the case; nobody noticed that I wasn’t proselytizing. So I figured that we need to go into the “do as I say, not as I do” territory and I started a church.

* F@# – An obscenity previously unknown to the human race. Unfortunately, it is unpronounceable, but it does rhyme with everything (except the word everything).