During the last election, there was a movement of preachers, some of whom claimed to be receive instructions directly from “God”. These preachers endorsed political candidates from the pulpit to defy the IRS ban on non-profits making partisan political statements. There seem to be a number of people who desire to forget about separation of church and state, and transform the country into a theocracy.

One reason I can think that they might have for this is to get the military might of the US behind them to get rid of some of the other theocratic states in the world. Since we seem to be on the brink of a perpetual “holy war”, it seems that what the world needs now is a good prophet. Unfortunately, it will have to get by with me, since no one else seems willing to step up to the plate. So I am coming out today as a prophet. I hope what I have to say will help.

When I heard about God speaking to those other people, I started imagining what It really would have to say if It would speak out today. Here is what I made up:

A few years back, a spirit came and spoke to me. Maybe I should say “The Spirit”, or simply “Spirit”. And when I say “spoke” I am speaking metaphorically, because it exists beyond the limitations of language, and doesn’t need to speak to get its message across. But since we are still limited to the use of language for communication, I will report this as if it were a conversation.

Now I could use a name for this spirit, so everyone would know immediately who (or what) I am talking about, but that was one of the things It mentioned. It said, “Since I exist in a realm beyond the limitations of language, I don’t need a name, so I don’t have a name. But since you still require language to communicate, I don’t have problems with you giving me a nickname so you can talk about me. The problem is that you tend to get attached to the name you give me, and this causes problems dealing with those who have chosen another name for me.

“But you should be careful when choosing a nickname. For example, the name ‘God’, even though it is fairly generic (and this brings to mind the generic labeling fad of the 70’s – drinking BEER beer, eating FOOD food, worshiping GOD god) , is derived from the word for a male deity, so it gives the impression that I am a male. This might be why some religions suffer so much from a misogynistic attitude.”

Then it said “I swear to God, I’m going to smite the next one who calls me ‘God’.” (It’s exact words, which shows that It does have a sense of humor.)

So I said, “How should we refer to you, then? Should we just call you “The Creator”?

It said, “That’s not an accurate description. The only reason you think the world needs a creator is that you think that there was a time when nothing existed, and that’s not the case. Nothing doesn’t exist. It never has and it never will. There is no such thing as nothing. Nothing is impossible. It would be more accurate to refer to me as the soul or spirit of the universe.”

So I said, “Oh yeah, the Holy Spirit.”

And It said, “’Holiness’ has very little to do with it. To be whole, you have to include the profane along with the sacred. At the level of the spirit, we are all connected. Every spirit is included in the whole. Holiness has lost most of its meaning, anyway. People can talk about being ‘holier than thou’ and the ‘holy Roman empire’, or think of fighting ‘holy wars’. You can refer to me as ‘the spirit’ or maybe just ‘Spirit’” unless you can come up with a gender neutral nickname.

“But that’s not why I came to talk you. I want you to do something for me.”

And I thought “Oh no. I don’t want to build an ark. I hope It’s not an ark”

And since it knew what I was thinking, it said, “No this doesn’t involve any carpentry at all.”

Then it said, “Ever since ‘Spinal Tap’ came out I’ve been thinking that sometimes 10 really isn’t enough, so I’ve decided that what the world needs is an 11th commandment. I would like you to get the word out and spread the news to everyone in all lands, telling them of the new rule. And the 11th commandment is: ‘Thou shalt not proselytize!’”

It said, “There’s another reason that the number 11 is special. In binary notation, 11 is actually number 3, which is an important number.” For example you can make a good song with three chords. Then there is the rule of three in comedy, where things seem funnier if they come in groups of threes. It is also suggestive of the trinity.

And I said, “Oh yeah, the holy trinity.”

And It said, “There’s that word again. I’m not referring to the ‘holy trinity’, which has not just one, but two males involved. I’m speaking of the real trinity: matter, energy, and spirit. Now that the world has come to find out that matter is really made up of energy, you might be able to fathom the idea that energy is made up of spirit. Someone might even be able to come up with an equation to link the two. The best way to honor me would be to help turn energy into spirit, and one of the best ways to do that is with music.” After all, the one thing common to most religions is music and fellowship. The two things common to most religions are music and fellowship and surprise. No, surprise is one of the weapons of the Spanish inquisition. Among the things that are common to most religions are music, fellowship, and what was that other thing?

And after wishing me well, before leaving, it said, “There’s a few more things I wanted you to pass along to the human race. And those are, ‘Grow the F@#* up! Stop fighting amongst yourselves! Clean up your planet! Take care of one another! Take responsibility for your actions!’”

“Oh, and the twelfth commandment: “Enjoy.”

At first I thought that “spreading the word” would be an easy gig. All I would have to do would be to not proselytize, and people would notice and get the message. Sadly, that doesn’t seem to be the case; nobody noticed that I wasn’t proselytizing. So I figured that we need to go into the “do as I say, not as I do” territory and I started a church.

* F@# – An obscenity previously unknown to the human race. Unfortunately, it is unpronounceable, but it does rhyme with everything (except the word everything).